Saturday, May 5, 2012

Just in case you were wondering. . .and want a good laugh. . .

In the circles I use to frequent  there was a lot of confusion over the whole question: "Are they a true Christian or not?" With "good" and "intelligent" people on both sides, it really made no difference what you did or who you were if someone wanted to say you weren't a "true Christian", as they always seemed to be able to come up with good, Biblical reasons to judge you as "probably not going to Heaven." So I hope I can settle this age old argument once and for all for those uncertain of their own or others salvation out there. In the spirit of goodwill :), I offer up a test to help you decipher not only if others are "true Christians" but if you also fit the bill. 

You’re a Christian:

If you let your congregation out early so you can beat the Methodists to Shoney’s.

If you laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

If you think Fox News is balanced journalism.

If homosexuality disturbs you more than bombing a school in the Middle East.

If you talk to imaginary friends.

If even when given evidence to suggest that the world is 6 billion years old, you still think it's 7 thousand.

If you actually think that something like a crocodile/duck would prove evolution when in fact it would disprove our current understanding.

If you'll be the first to benefit from modern Science all the while claiming Science can't prove anything.

If you vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

If you feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

If you laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

If your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

If you are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that the Earth is a few generations old.

If you believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. . . and yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

If you define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers.

And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

If you actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history.

If you say "It's not a religion, it's a relationship"!

If you don't find the vast majority of TV Evangelists creepy and disturbing.

If You think the President should place his hand on the Bible rather than the Constitution during his inauguration.

If too many sixes in a number makes you nervous.

If you think, "Smile, Jesus loves you,” is a valid cure for depression.

If you don't understand why everyone can't see the "truths" in the bible as clearly as you can.

If you think that a one-world currency will lead to the rapture, but you still try to convince everyone to stay away from a one-world-currency.

If it occurs to you that your religion looks an awful lot like Santa Claus for grown-ups, but instead of quitting your religion, you just don’t teach your kids about Santa.

If you know there is a sinner in your church service, but nobody comes down the isle at the invitation, you hold the congregation late with everyone praying and singing for the lost sheep to be saved.

If you pray to three separate deities, each of which specializes in different issues and has distinctly different responsibilities, but you insist you are a monotheist.

If you think being an atheist is worse than being a rapist, because the rapist can often marry the girl he raped and make everything ok, but the atheist commits the unforgivable sin of denying the Holy Spirit.

If you support the death penalty for consensual sodomy and 'practicing homosexuals', but mandatory marriage for heterosexual rape of single women.

If every time your country elects a leader who is not from your political party, you firmly believe the guy is the Antichrist.

If you believe the people who set up the UN were in league with Satan.

If you refer to every person in your social circle as ‘Brother’ or ‘Sister’.

If you think everything the country of Israel does is good and you should support them, because they are God’s Chosen People.

If your most coveted achievement is to convert a Jew.

If you believe God made the earth just LOOK old to test your faith.

If you say you are "blessed and highly favored" but more like Jesus's punching bag.

If you have an incurable disease and blame it on the Devil.

If you blame mental illness, unemployment, and bad luck on the Devil too.

If you think the U.S. military is in a crusade against evil, and in a “war against terror”.

If your shirt says "Jesus Saves".

If you reject modern medicine for praying to an imaginary friend.

If you like NASCAR because it's all about going in circles getting nowhere with all deviation resulting in a fiery end.

If you win an argument by pointing with a trembling finger and exclaiming 'wrong, friend!' Or “But what if I’m right, and you’re wrong?”

If you think having multiples from in-vitro fertilization is 'the will of God' but using the discarded fetuses from the same process for stem cell research is evil.

If everything good people do is to God's credit but everything bad is sinful and the work of the Devil.

If you read books and find every 'profane' word and actively removed them, don’t watch movies with more than a few bad words and give the evil eye to those around you who might dare use some . . .but say the ones in the Bible are “Holy” and” inspired” just like every other “word of God.”

If you have a deep personal relationship with someone you have never seen (physically), touched ( not touched by, emotionally) or actually heard speak to you (with your actual ears) even once.

If you burn books that contain tales of incest, rape, murder, patricide, fratricide, matricide, genocide, sex, sodomy, etc. and then call the Bible holy.

If you think it's okay to blow up a Planned Parenthood, but wrong for a man to love another man.

If you think hell is in the center of the Earth and Heaven is in the sky.

If you pray through Halloween to protect yourself from demons and witches.

If you honestly believe all the "religious" holidays you celebrate were not based on older traditions that existed before Christianity.

If you honestly don't know that your religion was also predated by similar god/man myths, as well as others that other cultures had, to make sense of their worldview.

If you spell god, "God" for your religion, but "god" for any other.

If you believe that snakes could talk once, but haven't ever since.

If you believe it never rained for hundreds of years all over the earth, and then one day flooded the earth.

If you believe that there were only Adam, Eve and their kids in the world, but have no explanation of how Cain ran off to a city.

If you enjoy telling little kids there is no Tooth Fairy, or ghosts but believe in and tell them about Angels and Demons.

If you are immune to responsibility to your culture because you are "in this world but not of it".

If you feel we are "worshiping the creation instead of the Creator" to be eco-friendly.

If you think all global warming is a hoax and/or wouldn't care if it wasn't because the Bible predicts that the Earth will burn up anyhow in the end times.

And last but not least...If you took your kids to the creation museum in Kentucky so that they could learn some "real" history.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. If you can't mock your own silliness, you are either insecure or take yourself too seriously. And if anyone has a problem with admitting to these qualifications as Christian prerequisites, then they must not be one. I knew all these to be true both in the past and now. But if you don't think this is fair for me to say, well, I sure hope you never told a blond joke. . .

  3. And If you can't appreciate the humor in this, I won't be keeping your comments on here. Sorry.

  4. The thing that makes “understanding” so difficult is that it requires us to be willing to listen and understand the position of someone that we do not agree with.
    We don’t have to agree with them, just listen. Perhaps, through civility, there can emerge a mutual understanding of how each person has come to believe what they believe… even if, in the end, they still do not agree with each other.

  5. Oh I understand well enough the position. . . remember, I use to have it! I laugh at the position now because looking back from a different view I see how foolish it looked to everyone else, and I'm able to laugh with them now. . .can you?

  6. Careful with NASCAR take-downs. I love the sport and could talk your ear off (and I am a non-Christian, well-educated, Yankee).

    I hope you will write a post, or series of posts, about when & how you reached the tipping-point that lead to extracting yourself from Christianity.

  7. Ha Ha, all was in jest, and definitively not true of all Christians, and some true of Non Christians too. Just a light post to make us laugh.