Life is filled with drama, but it's our choice how we react to it. So when I tell my story of a hard spiritual journey, I wonder why people automatically presume it has made me bitter and angry? Many people as they age become mellow and wise, maybe a little frustrated or sad even, while others turn around their opportunity to have learned, and they get bitter and angry. I hope to never be the latter; I want to not get bitter, but better! I think I have too, but there is confusion sometimes with bitterness and passion. Like my blog tile alludes to, I am a passionate person. . .about a lot of things! It is both my personality, and my Aspergers. . .or whatever. (I've always been that way when convinced I had knowledge that could help someone.) I'm sorry if you cannot hear my tone, but I'm not angry and bitter, as some accuse me of being.
I have often recalled my experiences, especially in a cult, as a teaching tool. (It taught me so much about myself that many have not learned about themselves yet I feel). I love to discuss how my mindset of proving the Bible's words, and following them (as it was always followed in the past) led me astray in my search for "truth". I also learned how blinded I was by my own pride in wanting to belong with such a spiritual and exclusive group. All in all though, the experience was mostly GOOD for 5 years! Unfortunately, with it came a teaching to do things against my conscience, be very prideful, judgmental and very different. That brought with it mental anguish and confusion, as I knew that was also what the Bible taught against! Through little fault of the actual people in the cult, we followed our hearts/conscience/God by leaving them suddenly and moving far away. (We knew we would be tempted to go back and needed some distance to think rationally.) This is a common story and someone else put it this way:
" You see, these events had no impact whatsoever on my faith. I. . . truly believed that God was speaking to us. We prayed, we read our Bibles, we felt impressed upon by the Holy Spirit. No matter whom you spoke to. . . they all believed they were doing what God was telling them to. The fact of the matter is we believed, at least some of us, that this brought us closer to God because we had to rely on him.
I have long since given up the notion that other people’s behavior or attitude should have any bearing on my Christianity or lack thereof. I was a True Believer. As such I knew that all people, including myself, were fallen, that we all had a sin nature, and that people would disappoint. I’ve recanted that to myself more times than I care to count. God is the only perfect being. Christians behaving badly was just a result of their sin nature. I could preach that sermon.
. . . I say I’ve just woken up to reality, to the fact that things in Christianity don’t add up. I’m not turning my back on faith because someone else didn’t live up to it. That’s a ridiculous notion. . .
What I’m saying is, that in the cold light of day, when you wake up to reality and figure out that the Holy Spirit isn’t acting in the world, nobody. . . can be a Christian." (From the wise fool's blog called "speaking in foolish tongues":)
As much as I'd like to still believe, it is much like a kid who has found out about Santa being his Dad in a costume, and all the Santa's in the mall being paid, as well as the historical man being exaggerated upon in every culture. You realize you've been duped, and aren't going to fall for myths like that again. When you judge me as rebelling against the truth, because of some sin in my life, or because Satan has deceived me, you judge yourself more perfect and smart! I hope your immediate family, friends or coworkers can substantiate that claim. . . should I ask them? :)