Furthermore, being prepared by reading about all the possible and rare breastfeeding issues, and how to prepare for and protect your breasts from breastfeeding, as well as wearing the right clothes, putting a pin on each side after they're emptied, and only feed for a certain amount of time. . . I concluded that feeding this stranger was going to be the hardest thing next to birth that I will ever have to do! (As opposed to the natural process that it was when left alone.)
I was made to feel insecure and petrified in just about every way as a parent. I was told I shouldn't listening to my instincts, and instead listen to the pediatrician. (Which advice I had thrown out by my second child thankfully, or she would be dead!) I was instructed to schedule babies feedings, time and schedule awake and sleep times, (never sleeping with baby, as that would be UNSAFE!) micromanaging by baby as if she had no say in the matter. To say the least, she was a miserable baby, who cried so much I thought it must be colic. . .until I saw how good she was for other people. . .
In pregnancy I also read about the theory of classical music building the brain, and reading and singing to the baby in the womb doing so with one child. Some books even taught me to use brain building black and white patterns and face flash cards at certain times, and done in a certain way to educate the baby. Then there is baby sign language, which while teaching one form of communication, some suspect it sets back talking, with the lack of need. It never connected in my mind that like the book says, "Einstein never used flashcards".
I did all that junk with only my second child. . . and later I realized that they were all just as brilliant as her, and she had no memory of what a regime I put her and myself through while she was in the womb. (If anything, this was my least brilliant child, only scoring in the 98th percentile in academics, instead of the 99th like her other two siblings.)
Instead of reading the books or evidence showing the research of what is actually proven to build the brain, or IQ (like a healthy diet, frequent "kangaroo care" touch and extended nursing), I believed I could try really hard and school the smarts into my child. I wasn't told that genetics are really the most important thing connected to a higher IQ.
Then there were the books and mothers from the last generation that all pretty much agreed that giving too much attention and holding would make the baby spoiled. So when the baby acted like they didn't want you to put them down, discipline or at least distraction methods were always suggested. And never giving in to their crying was the key. (Of course this mentality stemmed from the belief that they had a sin nature. . .)
The books said that they needed to be taught to not need you by forcing them to use a pacifier from an early age. It was called a "plug" at times because, like using duct tape, all the pacifier did was basically shut the baby temporarily up. Making it hopefully forget why it needed you. Some cultures call it a "dummy" partially because it makes the baby literally "dumb", and partially because it is a replacement of mom. It is a poor substitute, and just like formula, many babies refuse it. Yet, we know that babies and young children need to suck, not just for food, but for security and comfort. . .so the mother has the same choice as she did with formula in the older generation, be uncouth to society and nurse for comfort and to sleep, or use a "pacifier".
Whether moms know it or not though, needing a pacifier is a sign that the baby needs security, as it is not getting it from it's mom. "Pacifiers" can be found in many forms, from a thumb, to a blanket or doll. The closer the attachment to the object(s), the more security the child needs and derives from the replacement mother. (Which is a poor replacement too might I add.)
So, while it is rare to find a breastfed baby nursing even occasionally for comfort (in any part of the world) past 3 or 4, we many times see older children with blankets, or sucking their thumbs. I have even seen adults who suck their thumbs, usually in their sleep! Don't ever let anyone tell you that is normal or natural for a child or adult to do this. . ."security blankets" special dolls, or a dependence of pacifiers or thumb sucking to get calm or to sleep are all obvious signs of insecurity, and neediness in a child or adult. (And yes, this is a personal testimony. . .)
I was reading a lot of old books in libraries (that should be burned!) and I was being taught some very old (religion based) ideas from most of the older woman in my life, who had no idea of the bad science or consequences their suggestions and advice had on the mental health of babies. . . so in ignorance, I too went blissfully on, believing that I was well read and ready when it came time to birth my first little girl. . .but now I know how wrong I was!
One thing I have learned, through much trial and error though, is that if you try something, and it feels wrong, stop it! Thankfully I listened to my instincts FIRST as a new mother, probably because of my lack of trust in my authority, thanks to the "training" I had as a baby. It is honestly probably the one thing I did right with my firstborn! At first though I tried every bit of doctor or old lady advice, but usually stopped it within a week or less as I saw what it was doing to my daughter.
Traditionally, mothers didn't need to be told how to give birth, or be a mother, they simply needed support in doing what they instinctively knew to do. Instinct tells all animals how it's done, and we are no exception! What started the confusion? Male Doctors of course.
First they told us that pregnancy was a disease, birth was an emergency, and sleeping with our children was the reason for the spread of diseases, and death. . . While there were some diseases that spread, (causing much fear) the diseased germs almost invariably originated out of dietary deficiencies and unsanitary conditions. So while being close to your family did spread it to them, it didn't justify living in quarantine from them indefinitely! Especially your needy baby!!
The Christian religious community readily picked up on this fear of rolling over on your baby, as their favorite book the Bible spoke of a story of a mother rolling over on her newborn son. (Never mind the fact that the woman was a harlot, sleeping with another woman who had a baby. She was likely a drunk, with a poor little malnurished baby. . .which most of the bad stats for rolling over on babies comes from being drunk even today.)
Oh, but that wasn't all, the (religiously biased) doctors told mothers that they weren't animals, and didn't need to feed their babies a "primitive milk", when they could give them their convenient scientific "formula". (More "snake oil" peddling for profit. . .and man is it expensive!) It was marketed as more sanitary, and "civilized" in our Victorian society. No woman of society would dare show herself feeding her baby from her body in public in the past. It was a shame and not acceptable, associated with the poor and dirty . . .similar to going topless as a woman in our culture now.
Formula was also freeing to the feminist business women who wanted to, or had to, work away from home. Though sometimes out of desperation the woman would feel ripped away from her baby because of work, but too often, the mother couldn't wait to get back to work! Many times the lacking maternal desire that would cause such a mindset towards their baby and role as caregiver though stemmed from the drugged up births, and the consequent lack of bonding that they had. This experience, often exacerbated by the formula feeding, schedules, control and discipline they were taught to do after the baby was out, caused a disconnect with feeling like mom, or even a resentment towards the baby for slowing them down, or ruining their figure or lifestyle.
Lastly, doctors were the origin of the myth of the spoiled baby. Mothers were told that if they picked up their crying baby, or spent too much time holding them, you were spoiling your child, and they would learn to be dependent and clingy. . .(whereas doctors like Dr. Sears have noted that those who were raised with attachment parenting methods were yes, clingier at first, but ended up the most appropriately independent, confident and trusting children by age 2 or so.) Consequently, inventions were made to entertain, swaddle, rock and distract the baby from what it really wanted and needed. . .mom! A fortune has been made, and spent on these unnecessary contraptions, that babies rarely like much anyhow, and yet parents keep buying them!
Mothers even still today get so prepared for babyhood being a miserable chore, that a goldmine has opened up even besides the toys, pacifiers, swings, bouncers, jolly jumpers, etc. . .that of child-raising classes and baby books! And yet, in other countries, colicky, crying, and miserable "spoiled" babies are not hardly seen. . .while having little or no access to baby books or classes. As a matter of fact, it is well known that "African babies don't cry!" It is rare to see a young crying baby in most of Africa, look it up! (A few places have some cruel practices of force feeding solids while plugging the nose of the baby or of circumcising both male and females though mind you . .both of which cause crying.) If a baby is crying for more then a few seconds, the mothers quickly step in to help or give disapproving looks. This I saw in Africa for myself in the cultures untouched by white man. You see, in native cultures, babies are carried, nursed on demand and through the night because they sleep with mom. . .and consequently they are happy.
The problem is, we live in a culture that has taught woman to go against her gut feelings to nurture and do what she knows to do. Consequently then we have whole books written just to fix what should have never been a problem if women hadn't been told the bad advice in the first place.
It is not hard to have a happy baby when you are going with your natural instincts to mother them. That may seem like a huge blanket statement, but I ask you, if you had an issue with breastfeeding, and it wasn't a rare issue of tongue tied baby or flat nipples, (both of which are fixed with support and care from a lactation consultant.) could it have been a bad birth experience/drugs at birth, pumping/separation from baby, bad positioning because of bad advice, or a rigid schedule that may have caused the lack of milk, the engorgement, or the pain and problems?
Or if your baby was "colicky", could it be that you were giving them formula that didn't digest well (which is all of them) or trying to control them with a schedule and they were just saying that they weren't tired, or were hungrier then the schedule allowed time for eating in? They also may have been suffering from the mental trauma of a bad birth, that we know now greatly effects babies in the first few months. Also if the baby wasn't carried much, most babies will be fussy about the disorienting feeling of going from the movement of the womb to being still.
Bonded mothers want to breastfeed, sleep close, and carry their babies. . . usually in a carrier or sling. But bad breastfeeding advice can even make bonded moms stop holding baby (probably because her back kills from improper nursing positions). Consequently, the baby requires more movement, white noise (like a heart beat teddy, ocean noises, shhing sounds or just plain loud sounds) and just plain comfort to replace the secure feeling it was use to in the womb. Babies who aren't carried are unsettled, like a sailor trying to get it's land legs again after being out to sea for a while.
If you give the baby the honor of a natural birth, (in an uncontrolled homey setting) you and he/she will have the natural bonding and desire for a host of other things. Breastfeeding doesn't go well when you are sore, tired, drugged and angry at baby for a miserable birth. To make matters worse, even when you feel bonded with a good birth, immediate force feeding baby after birth, instead of letting them lead, as well as hard positions on mom's back, only stress out and hurt mom, and hinder milkflow.
Laying down, (side or back) or reclined far back is natural and then baby is in control. No hands involved! I learned that from sheer laziness, and ease, and came to find out that it was a "NEW position" called "Biological nursing" that the best lactation consultants were just starting to teach. Umm, it's been around as long as mothers weren't told how to nurse. Babies nurse from any angle, and can even crawl over the shoulder when they are older. It all works. The breast is like the face of a clock in the right position, and the baby is safe, and in control the whole time.
Then of course, baby is colder (or sometimes hotter) then it's become use to in the womb. . . proper temperature regulation is hard for a baby when you aren't there to sleep beside him/her. So you can swaddle, (making the baby feel helpless to change it's hot situation) or put a heated rice pack on or beside the baby to warm them. But while temporarily helping, you often find a very sweaty baby when they wake up. The other extreme being a cold baby who has kicked off the covers, and is unable to sleep long that way. Both are fixed by baby sleeping with mom.
So, how can you have a happy, secure and trusting baby that grows up to feel loved, while respecting your authority, all the while without you needing to control, manipulate, or abuse them in order to do it? Treat them as you would want to be treated, (Ever heard of the golden rule? It applies to babies too. . .). Forget what society or doctors have told you, if it goes against natural instinct or conscience, and start listening to your mother instincts. The instinctual and natural way of mammals worldwide BTW is to keep their babies with them at pretty much all times in that first dependent time of life; and until they break away from you. Cuddling and nursing on demand and by their side, and sleeping with their mom's through the night is the norm.
In the end, those ""attachment parenting" mammals, or those who follow in their stead, are mothers who are well rested, bonded, and comparatively de-stressed because they have what most would deem, an "easy baby" That is a baby who will later grow into a child who while confident and independent, nonetheless loves and obeys you happily. . .
Or you could do it the more "civilized", controlling and religious way of raising your baby, out of likely ignorance/religious teachings, selfishness or necessity from busyness. The end of which usually ends up with Mom and the family despising "miserable" babyhood, the "terrible two's" or the "trying threes", then later having a rebellious teen who has issues with authority and trust. . .
Of course, depending on how harshly you discipline your child in the first few years or not, you may end up with a passively rebellious child for many years, that you only later realize is rebellious (other then miserable in their first years) when they get to be as big as you, and feel they can defend themselves against your abusive ways. Yes, this is the story of many religiously raised kids I know, that apear so perfectly behaved at first. . . Parents, wake up, and don't start this cycle over again with your kids, PLEASE! Love is not control, it is protection. Which, while including guidelines for their safety, has nothing to do with making cookie cutter robots for your own selfish gains. Thanks for reading my thoughts on this touchy subject; now my rant is done.
No comments:
Post a Comment