conjoined twins, pituitary giants or extremely obese, the people generally did not admit to their differences being defects of healthy normal bodies! Instead these defected folks claimed and fought to prove that they were just like anyone else. They all had significant health issues, and spent a lot of money trying to be normal and pain free, but they still did not humble themselves into admitting to a problem. They wanted people to basically close their eyes or look away. . . saying they were normal and fine. Not different and unhealthy with a normal inside, but normal all around.
I have seen the same mindset from the people doing special Olympics, those missing limbs, those who are paraplegics or those who are overweight. To say they are different because of a deformity or ill-health is not prejudiced, it is simply observant and honest. That doesn't make them bad, or inferior inwardly as a human, but it does make them abnormal and in most cases, unhealthy outwardly.
The first response is denial, and it is not healthy to stay here. . .yet sadly, society is actually encouraging this in these individuals. Whether it be denying the problem with your body or that of your baby in the womb, a denial generally avoids treatment or looking for solutions. There is a big difference between denying the problem, and accepting it, although the outward expression may look the same at times. (A happy person.) In our compassion, society has erred on the side of non-judgment of these unhealthy people.
We have tried hard to make these people feel as normal as possible. As a sign of how well we have done in this, the weaker elements of American society have been enabled and empowered to not only be taken care of, but be somewhat independent. . .
Being kind and compassionate is great, but it has gone past helpful. Thanks to a close mouthed and dishonest society in America, where all differences are just diversity, these defected people are in such denial, that they are choosing to bring children into the world; these children will then likely have the genes or habits to have the same problems. This is irresponsible, cruel and selfish of those parents, IMO! A person who is not in denial of their problem would choose to get sterilized, as a friend of mine did when she had one genetically mutated child die at birth, and another one who lived in misery until he died at 8. Sadly others are not even this kind! When the body is not healthy enough to be able to reproduce, they will circumvent their infertility issues artificially, instead of adopting. . . in order to reproduce themselves. This is a sign that they really do not realize they have a problem and should not be spreading it, but in fact, have an unrealistically good self esteem/ego. (Or could be called pride even.)This is a problem!
The next response of grieving is anger, and this is where many handicapped or different people stay. Those not born with their defect, or not supported by others with it are the most likely to make it to or past this stage. It seems to me that those knowing nothing else, and being surrounded by similarly defected or just supportive people, are the happiest. Ignorance is bliss, and they are ignorantly in denial about their problems.
Classically, if they aren't denying their problem though, they are being defensive about their problem, or always wanting to bring it up. When others take the bait and get honest about the problem, or pity them for it, they blow up. I see this anger as to be pitied inwardly maybe, but not put up with, as it will only make the behavior escalate. I think of Helen Keller who as a child was blind, deaf and dumb, but worst, she was spoiled. Until someone took a firm hand with her, and treated her as she treated others, she lived in her anger and hurt everyone, including herself. We do no favor to others when we outwardly pity or spoil those who are defected or unhealthy. They need to humbly be aware of their limitations, and work within their unique capacities, just as a toddler needs to be allowed to walk, learn and fall to develop realistic limits and goals.
Next is bargaining. A conjoined twin like in the show might say to themselves, "I could get married, then I would be looked on as normal. . .and if he didn't treat me right, then I would divorce him." That wishful thinking might help her self esteem, but sadly it is unrealistic as the twins are homely, overweight and almost 60 years old! (Not to mention that no man yet has wanted to marry one twin who is attached to another half a person permanently on a stool. Nor could they have or take care of kids, or likely have parents that are alive.) So they will likely always live alone.
Others that are obese said, "If I just got this surgery, or went on this fad diet, I might be able to get my life back." Or "if only I could make the money for this procedure or machine or supplement, etc. or gone back in time before I broke something, got depressed, etc." Or "if I could only be accepted, or. . ." Many people with lifelong issues will pray everyday to God, and make all sorts of bargains what they will do if he makes them better. In the end, this is not a healthy stage to be in, as it is ungrateful, un-peaceful, desperate, and in most cases just wishful thinking.
Depression is very common, and next. Those who realize how they will be living a shortened life, a painful life, a life full of stares and rejection will generally and soberly come to grips with this sometime before they die, and consequently be rather depressed. This doesn't have to be long, but it is very healthy, and wise. Sometime children who have gone through a lot are very mature, as they have been through this depressing reality, that is generally also motivating. Those who see the problem, and get good and depressed by it, are more likely to make the most of the life they have. (Or in the case of obesity, change habits they have that may give them a new lease on life.)
Lastly, Acceptance. If you can accept you are defective, unhealthy or otherwise not acceptable to society in general, and are still happy to be alive, you are in the best place. Everyone (as long as they are not dependent on others for their own life) has the right to love, live and reproduce. For the love of their possible offspring and humanity though, those who will likely cause mental or physical suffering for their children, might be wise to choose against the latter. As it would be more humane.
What about the dependents? These are deep questions we all need to face. I will talk of this more in my next post called: Should dependents be given the choice. . .?
I doubt if there are many disabled folks who would accept they're defecive, unhealthy or otherwise not acceptable to society in general. Would you include invisible differences too, such as deafness or blindness? Many who are afflicted with these particular conditions depend on others to live a normal life and are quite happy to acceot their situations. Some even depend on their children to help them with daily living. Not sure what you mean by "more humane" - are you suggesting they don't have kids?
ReplyDeleteI doubt that a lot would accept that too, as acceptance is the last stage of grief. What I would include is inconsequential, it is what the person knows that would cause the grief process. They could FEEL ugly or fat, even if they aren't very. . .but have the same mental process. Those who are dependent on others though are the most obvious. If they are really happy with needing help from others, and thankful for it, they are likely past grieving over the loss. As for whether it is kind for a genetically defective person to have kids that will likely also be, I think the answer is obvious! It gets tricky though with some who have had accidents, are obese or are otherwise unfit for the process, or unlikely to be able to care for the baby. For men it doesn't seem like a big deal, but for woman. . .I think an unhealthy body will guarantee an unhealthy baby.
ReplyDeleteSo I think what you're suggesting is sterilization for genetically defective women. Have to say here that I diplore the term "genetically defective"!
ReplyDeleteand as you can see I have a disability with spelling!
ReplyDeleteI think it is merciful for many types of defected woman or girls to not have to worry about children, but when you have the mental faculties to choose, it should be a choice. That said, because of the greiving process, even those who are otherwise smart, may not be thinking straight about the issue. It is unfair for a child to be made to suffer by a negligent parent in denial.
ReplyDeleteI think we need to treat all species fairly, and just as I would spay a feral cat because it was living a cruel existence, I believe if I were the cat, I would want to have wanted offspring that will be both healthy and cared for. . .or have none at all. It's about intelligence, and the golden rule to me. An intelligent person will live by the golden rule. That means putting yourself in the baby's shoes, as well as what a person in their right mind would think. . .at least in my book.
Thankfully spelling is generally fixed with spell check, and not a huge deal if it isn't, as people's brains are wired to just ignore it most of the time anyhow. . .or I too would be called disabled. It's really not about judging little silly stuff, it is about humbly admitting the truth of your health, and who you would like to see the world full of in the future for the benefit of the whole.
As a mother of a child born with a congenital deformity, and the wife of a disabled man, I can speak honestly. I find many of your comments to be offensive. You leave out the accomplishments of so many disabled people, and I question why? You describe Helen Keller as "spoiled". Perhaps her parents were lazy but they were certainly inadequate. Had she been born in 2014 she would not have had to experience the hell she was forced to live in as a child. She was a super intelligent woman who accomplished great things, especially for other children afflicted with similar conditions.
ReplyDeleteAre you looking for a world full of perfectly healthy people? If so, that's disturbing.
Accidents happen, but that doesn't make a problem for the next generation. When problems can pass on to children and we allow it out of pride or selfishness, that is an issue. Helen was not born messed up, and was only spoiled as many children are today who have parents that feel sorry for them and can't say no. Parenting can't stop if a child is disabled, we can't cater to the weak, we need to grow them to be independent. That is loving. If they have no chance of it though, I question whether it is humane to doom them to a life of misery, or if like an animal they should mercifully be put down? At least they should be allowed the choice when they are older I think! Many don't make it that far, as they are put out of their misery in the womb. . .
ReplyDeleteYou know, I would love it if all life was healthy. . .what could possibly be wrong with wanting an ideal world? No unhealthy person would want to be unhealthy, so I think everyone would agree. The problem for some though is when being "healthy" is not based on your opinion of yourself, but evidence from an unbiased source like tests. If there were health tests made as prerequisites for getting pregnant, and all woman were put on birth control until they passed them, we would change this country around drastically!
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